They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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