Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize