Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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