i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
