you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
