Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
