did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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