I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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