i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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