Soap is not a condiment
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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