We won't sleep together?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
