Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
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