Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
