My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
