I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
