chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
It's never too late to be topless.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
