please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
