If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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