mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
