i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize