I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
