Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize