Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just threw up on my dentist
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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