jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize