I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
