apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
