after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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