i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
