she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
