Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
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