Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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