**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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