Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
