Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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