Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
