Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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