So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
