My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
