I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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