i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
