1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you will always have a special place in my vag
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
