PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
