So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
