before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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