im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Randomize
