Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
