So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
