I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
