Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
