I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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