i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
