He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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