dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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