You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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