I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Randomize
