I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
