He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
