So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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