Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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