Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
